Time ticks by. So slowly. Only it doesn't with hindsight. Where do all the years go? You think you've got forever in front of you and suddenly you haven't. Suddenly the years left seem a long time but nowhere near as long as it once was. I like being the age I am now and I like being who I am at this moment in time. So is it all a waste? No, I don't believe it is. I believe we need to get to know ourselves in the same way we need to get to know each other. As sentient beings we develop and evolve as we grow older and we need to understand, and become familiar with, that process of change.
I'm 52yrs old and having a ball. My life has never seemed so full. My life has not always felt so full or such a ball.
I didn't used to like myself ...... but I do now! I didn't used be sure of myself ...... but I am now!
There are only two certainties ... NOW and DYING.
I like that about life and work though. Not knowing what's coming next. Well, we know what's coming ultimately but we don't know anything about the next moment in time. We can all make plans for the day, for the week, for our lives, only to find our plans bent or shattered. It's what we do at that moment that counts to what *will* happen. We are living the twists and turns of fate. Every last thing in this universe is weaving its own thread of fate but we are all intertwined. My fate affects yours, and so on. An eternal weaving and shifting of life.
I'm enjoying life at long last. It always seemed so much of a struggle once but that all seems to be in the distant past. I'm sure it was the struggling that held me up and stopped me growing spiritually and emotionally. When I just sat back into me and relaxed the struggle stopped. It all seems so easy and obvious with hindsight but it took a while for me to sit right back into myself. Now it's a bit like living in a comfortable old sofa ... one you can really curl up in and get nice and cosy.
I walk with confidence. I stand with confidence. And I talk with confidence. None of which I was confident in before. I always tried to be like somebody else because I didn't think it was good enough to be me. How well did my friends know me? How well did I know myself? If I wasn't the real me, then who was I?
I can recognise and utilise my strengths, abilities and capabilities. My ex-partner, Cary, once told me that I didn't put myself in the postion of failing just in case I didn't succeed and that I wouldn't believe I was capable of more. In other words I was reluctant to stray outside my comfort zone ... just in case. What the hell, I thought. To find out if I can succeed I have to put myself out there and go for it. If I don't succeed I can use the experience to learn and progress in other ways. I'm ever grateful to Cary for giving me the courage to push my limits. I've done far more than I thought I could since then.
Living with Niadh has taught me more. He's a manager and in listening to his take on things has taught me that I already know some of it. He also taught me how much I didn't know. Inadvertantly, he taught me that I could carry on believing in myself. If I said, "I can't do that," he'd reply, "Why not? Of course you can."
There are many more twists and turns of fate that have brought me to who I am today and many more people who were part of that journey. I'd like to write about some of those people. People who, in some small, unnoticed way made a major impact on me. Most of them won't even know what they did or said and, at the time, I probably didn't either. I've thought about some of those twists and turns as life has gone on and made sense of them. This is what I'd like to acknowledge.