July 20, 2008

Sense And Sensibility?

Well, I'm not sure how much sense that last post makes. It all seems a bit vague and veiled. I know what I'm talking about so I suppose that's what really matters.

Come to think of it, the veiled theme has run throughout this writing. I've never really alluded to my relationship, or it's progression to be more exact. I made brief, happy reference to it last September when I started these writings but not after that. Things have changed and you'd have thought I might have written about it here. So why didn't I?

I guess because the world can read this if they like and I didn't want to bring other people into this other than in a superficial way. I was quite prepared to be deeply personal in my writings but only where my thoughts and feelings were concerned. I wanted to preserve other peoples privacy.

Now I think about it, what's the point of leaving things out when all of it is important here? I need to be honest with myself. The fact is this blog is not public and is unlikely to be found unless by chance (this has now changed - this blog is public). These are my own personal and private writings and are not listed as in the public domain (they are now).

The chances of someone finding this who knows any of the people involved are very remote (this still stands).

July 17, 2008

Feelings

Tony did really well at driving.  He took the bull by the horns and went for it. There was the inevitable stalling but it wasn't long before he'd changed up to 3rd gear doing about 35mph!! I could sense he was feeling a bit out of control but let him go for it for a while. In the end he drove up the airfield and back, doing a 3 point turn, and only stalled it once. He's really keen to go again and now he has his licence we can do road driving too Auto

I'm beginning to feel like I'm really at home now. I've pottered and sat and shopped when I wanted to. The house feels clean and fresh and tidy and I don't even mind emptying the cat litter. I've had the windows open all day and it was even nice enough to sit in the garden. It got quite hot in fact and the other evening was positively Mediterranean; warm breeze late into the night Island with a palm tree

I feel much calmer.

Things took an unexpected turn today though and although it's a contradiction to what I just described, it's all part of the changes in life and the growing that I/we do.

Yesterday I felt completely fucked! I was having a good day and didn't expect to feel like that. Don't know what that was about. It was an unexpectedly nice feeling though. But today I felt melancholy, distracted and agitated all at once. At times close to tears. A wave of uncertainty came over me: uncertainty about myself and my worth; my actions; my thoughts and feelings. The agitated bit felt like 'charlie'. Raised pulse, deepened breathing, pounding sensation in the gut but without the speedy effect. It's gone now. It came on unexpectedly and suddenly and wasn't supposed to happen.

Now I feel more settled and certain. So where did it go? All that upset and turmoil.

I had the 'conversation' early enough to remind me I am OK and pretty much on the right track. Once I knew that, my mood started to lift. Now it feels warm and settled inside ... metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, I feel bruised in the gut as though the earlier sensations were very real ... and the tops of my legs ache (but that could be because of my back).

So that's all OK now then Party

Or is it? Is it all a consequence of my relationship with Niadh. It's all a bit uncertain at the moment and I feel it is now Niadh's decision to make. He needs to know where he wants to be and who he is. That's my judgement alone but I think he would agree.

There's a lot of uncertainty around now I think of it. Me and Niadh and the future that holds and then there's going back to work. I know what I'm going back to it but not what it's like there now. Were my feelings yesterday and today related with this? The answer has to be possibly, or is it probably?

I guess it was all a result of how I have been feeling and how I acted upon that. I think I've been trying to get on with my life in a constant manner even amongst the inconsistencies. I just get into a routine and Niadh comes home. I'm not blaming him but it's not easy sometimes adjusting to having someone in the house who doesn't seem to be there a lot of the time. He's probably here more then he isn't a lot of the time, but it feels like it's the other way round at times.

So what I've been doing lately, it seems, is living independently of Niadh. The 'track' I was talking about. A bit of doing what I want when I want but also trying to include him when I can, but he doesn't always seem to want to be included. Trying to maintain my own routine amongst the adapting to his.

I think that might be where some of my 'niggles' have come from in the past. I've tried to maintain my own routine for some time and possibly got a bit obsessive about it. Wanting things done in a certain way otherwise it would wind me up. Even having friends round grew to be a bit of a chore even though I wanted them there! There's nearly always a mess when visitors leave.

I clear up as I go along and Niadh doesn't. He clears up afterwards so why does that wind me up? I guess it's because he's not doing what I'd do!

Ho Hum. The battle of trying to keep control when you haven't got it in the first place Sigh. If I didn't know what was going on I'd be worried about myself but I know I can calm this down and find the middle ground I need. I have to relinquish control because I've never had it in the first place. I mean the feeling that I have control over life - something common to us all. Truth is, we have some control over where we can take our lives but not over the events and changes that go on around us.

Ergo: I have no control over what I cannot control. So get on with it!

[ergo (Latin) conj. & modif. therefore, hence, consequently, thus]

I've also been ignoring phones a lot lately. My mobile has been switched off a lot when I'm at home and I haven't always taken much notice of who might have rung if I haven't heard the home phone. That part feels great ... not having to think about the phone, any phone.

Now I think of it, the unexpected events of the week probably weren't that unexpected. If only hindsight weren't so retrospective. I wouldn't have been so surprised!

July 09, 2008

Osteopathy, Driving, and Home

Off to the osteopath today. Just what I wanted to be doing on my holidays! My back got progressively worse last week until the weekend when it eased up a bit. Now I'm a bit freer but a bit sore in places and I've got to go back next week. He said I'm pretty much locked up on one side. There was bounce in my left hip but not in the right when he lay me on the table and pressed down on my hips. Now I need to stick to the exercises he gave me to do. It kinda puts the kybosh on going away anywhere at the weekend. I don't want to drive for miles and not be able to get out of the car at the other end!

Bumped into Tony while I was at Chris & Paul's. He wants to learn to drive so I'm taking him over to Bradwell airfield on Saturday. He says he's never taken control of a car before .... so that should be fun then Oh go on. I'm still not quite sure what he meant when he said I was the ideal person to ask about this. Did he mean I'd have the patience, or that I was 'sensible'?

Years ago I was the one who let go of Simon's push-bike seat and off he went for the first time under his own steam. He didn't realise he was on his own for a minute while I ran alongside as if I was still holding the bike up. My dad did the same thing to me. Now it seems I'll be first to take Tony for driving lessons.

It's been nice pottering around the house and not having to rush anywhere. I like having the time to clear up behind me and keep things tidy. I like being here when it's quiet; when the radio, the TV and the computer are off and I can hear the sounds of the village and the birds and the rain.

It's rained a bit in the last couple of days and thunder is forecast for Saturday. I love having the windows open and listening to the sound of the rain. There's something quite soothing about it. And the smell ..... clean, fresh, washed. I love it!

I like being here when it just feels like home. Not when it feels like somewhere to be in between being somewhere else. I like sensing it and experiencing it. I like coming back to it from wherever I've been. I like looking at it. I like sitting in it. I like feeling like I've got time to do things in it. I like being in it.

July 02, 2008

Here It Begins

HotThe Holidays Start Here. A 4 week break all bar 2 days. It doesn't seem possible. I'm obviously not in the swing of it yet as I keep feeling there's something I should be doing, or somewhere I should be going.

But there isn't.

I need to keep telling myself that.

This break could be the space I need to find my balance again. The space to balance my inner core. Balancing my spirit and soul. Continuing the journey of 'Righting' myself.

I thought some of it was coming back a while ago but it all seemed to come undone again. I couldn't get work out of my head and I felt full all the time - full in the head, that is. There didn't seem to be much room for what I wanted. I found Stevenage harder to get out of my head, at the end of a day, than CHAC. I guess there was the added responsibility in my post and the overwhelming nature of it at times. Let's face it, I had more jobs on the go at any one time than I was used to. I nearly always felt that there were numerous jobs not completed, that I was often chasing my tail and getting nowhere. It was the days when I started jobs and actually completed them that I felt good about the day. At CHAC I didn't have so many threads on the go at once.

Right now those threads don't matter. I can cut them and get on with my holiday. I still expect it to take a few days to really feel like I'm relaxed and at home and not having to go to work.

3 and a 1/2 weeks of freedom and relaxation. I intend to take it as it comes and be as spontaneous as I can. I'd like to find a cheap, short break at a moments notice. It sounds quite exciting. Or I may just nip off to the Brecon Beacons for a visit for old times sake. I haven't been there for years, apart from driving through them on the way down to Tim & Sues'. I'd quite like to spend some time there again, walking and sitting and looking. I could go on to visit Tim & Sue if they're at home.

Or I may just do both. A few days in the Brecon Beacons and a few days somewhere abroad.

Or I may go somewhere else entirely. Or I may not go anywhere at all.

The world's my oyster.

And then there's Dorset and Cambridgeshire .... and family. I now have the time to research local parish records and see what I can find out. There are the graves of the Dings in Fen Stanton and Fen Drayton and living family in Dorset. I've got enough to make some kind of inroad on more of the family history. And possibly catch up with some of them.

Would I feel more grounded, more aware of my roots? I don't know what I'll feel when I meet another member of my mothers family or my dads family come to that. There was that email from cousin Steven's mate a while back but no reply when I answered. I don't know who's dead or alive. That's one emotion I know I will feel ... sadness at the absence of people I'll never have the chance to see again. There are people I remember more than others  ..... Philip, Barbara and Lorraine particularly. The last time I saw any of them was at mums funeral over 20 years ago. There will be others I haven't seen since I was a child. Likewise on my dads side. Last time I saw any of them was at his funeral 34 years ago!

I might try looking up cousin Steve. I miss my dad more than I miss my mum but I think that's because he hasn't been there for most of my life. He died when I was 18. I feel like I don't really know him and yet I do. Part of me is him, yet I didn't have much chance to get to know him properly.

Perhaps this is something I need to do in my own journey - get to know myself through my parents and family. It'll put another perspective on life and things. It will certainly supply me with the roots .... or will it?