If this journal is going to be a full reflection of my journey then I must stop excluding aspects of my life. I did it once before and realised later that subsequent posts made no sense, even to me.
I left out the relationship I was having at the time and the effects it was having on me and the other person involved. I did this because I thought the other person might read this blog, after all I had told them about it, and I didn’t want to hurt them.
Since this is a personal journal and meant for me then other people have a choice as to whether they read it or not. They can also choose to understand this is my own slant on life, not theirs.
I decided to write this journal online because it is a way of saving it when my computer might go down, of being able to access it from wherever I might be in the world, and in the hope that something I say might touch another person’s life. It has done once so far and that makes it more than worth continuing to write in my view.
It is not meant to be advertised and found – more stumbled upon.
In the last couple of years I have been through another relationship of sorts. The person I met made me very happy. We could talk about anything under the sun and we shared a lot of interests. For a long time I had a lot of fun and went to places I might not have got to otherwise. I was happy.
The problem, for me, came when I realised I didn’t want a full-on relationship and still needed my own space in the aftermath of my previous relationship. A distance sprang up between us, mostly of my own making. This then caused difficulty for him and his obvious deep feelings for me.
While I was happy to talk to him about his unrequited feelings, I also found it extremely difficult in times when he became very depressed and lonely. There were times when I found myself anticipating another bout of depression and was reluctant to pick up the phone. The only 2 real blow-ups came about because of this.
There is only so far I can go in trying to help someone and then the rest is up to them. I didn’t see this happening. He seemed to prefer to live an insular lifestyle, becoming depressed about being lonely and not being able to get me out of his head. Whatever the reasons behind this I got to the point of feeling my help was limited.
In hindsight (if only it wasn’t a retrospective thing) I should have had my doubts about his feelings long ago. There were the times I was accused of being boring; the times that resulted in him going home because my life-style wasn’t to his satisfaction. One such occasion was during a heavy snowstorm with 75 miles to drive home. I was angry and worried at the same time. I was once accused of being critical and making him nervous. I began to feel the same.
About a year ago I received a telephone call while in the middle of a school paying field during a friend’s daughter’s school sports day. He was depressed again and needed to talk about his feelings and mine. Not the ideal situation for me to enter into a deep conversation there and then. It resulted in him becoming extremely angry and saying some very hurtful things when I wasn’t willing to talk to him at that moment in time.
When he threatened to involve my friends I went ballistic. I can’t remember the last time I felt so angry. I told him later that had he been standing in front of me at the time I would probably have punched his lights out. I have only ever hit one other person in my adult life - a man who was being physically violent to a female and there were children involved.
I feel now that I should have given more thought to what his feelings were really about. I still don’t understand them but to be like that to someone you say you love deeply and can’t do without seems a contradiction now. That’s not the way someone behaves when they love you in my book.
To give him his due he understood how hurtful he’d been and regretted his actions. As is the way of life, it was too late by then. The harm was done. I eventually forgave and was prepared to try and forget, but I couldn’t. I always had this nagging doubt about his motives and reasons for ‘loving’ me and it put more distance between us.
So when a similar thing happened again a couple of months ago and he became angry again, I chose to let it go. I can’t be doing with behaviour like that in my life. He once told me that someone had told him that he often only thought about himself. On these two occasions I think they were right.
I didn’t respond to the angry emails and the texts, because that’s what I did before and it resulted in us coming back together again. This time I didn’t want that. There is no room in my life for people who can be spiteful and hurtful towards me and my friends. Again, this is not what I’d call ‘love’.
So, if you are reading this you will know who you are. You may not agree with what I have written here and I have no doubt you won’t. But then, this blog is from my perspective on life and not anyone else’s.