August 26, 2011

Spirituality and Understanding

There is something spiritual in me that stems from past experience in the great outdoors and particularly from a very beautiful place where I used to live. It is something I never thought another person would fully understand, something spiritual about the land I live on and live in. Lately it feels dormant and in need of awakening and I have found the person to help me do that.

With 100 acres of woodland around me I couldn’t fail to feel connected to the earth. I knew the woods like an old friend. They protected me and kept me company and entertained me and cared for me.

Walking out through the woods there were times when I fancied I could feel the presence of the spirits and of the god that oversees them. Something unseen and powerful lurked just beyond mere vision; just as the force of nature seeps through the earth and into the soul. As I walked, and as I felt the growing heat and power and electricity of that presence, a primeval urge soon began to filter its way from the ground beneath me and leave me breathless in its magnificence.

In finding myself in the moment of my surroundings I began to be aware of the understanding that comes from acceptance. I was becoming the woods and they were becoming me. I was feeling a part of the world I am in and realised I only had to let go of myself to experience this divine creation in a way I had never dreamt possible. I felt I was about to fall into something unfathomable and at once completely understandable; something that meant shedding layers of me that had hugged my life too tightly and letting go of any inhibition and preconception I ever held.

In meeting Puck I found the person who understood this completely and without explanation. He understands it in the same way I do. My understanding is his understanding and vice versa.

It is a rare thing to meet someone who feels so much a part of you in every way but that’s what I am experiencing right now. Being apart from him is painful and the longing threatens to tear me apart, but the knowledge of him and the love I feel holds me together and soothes the pain. I didn’t know I could love so quickly or so intensely.

I feel as though I have found the part of me I never knew was missing.

August 20, 2011

Puck

I guess the question in my last post was aimed more at the other person than me. I had to question it for my own understanding. I know what the love of friends and family feels like and I know what it is to love them back. As far as is possible as a human it feels unconditional both ways.

The love I crave from another person, as a lover, would be the same but more intimate; not necessarily deeper, although deepness comes about through intimacy. I don’t feel as though I am expressing myself very well here but then that’s what this rambling is all about.

Friends and family love is different to loving a significant other but it is the same. They are all significant others but there can also be a special significant other and I may just have found him.

My heart and my intellect tell me two different things at the moment but there is also an agreement between them. My intellect tells me to hold back and not go too quickly and my heart says jump in with both feet. My intellect also says, “Would you miss this chance for the thing that holds you back?” My intellect and my heart both agree that it is fear that holds me back most of the time. My heart and my intellect both seem to want to face that fear and dispel it. The fear is delicious and dispersible.

I’m confused but I’m not.

Everything about this person clicks with me in a way I have never felt before but have dreamed of a hundred times and more. And I’ve only known him for a week. When he speaks it might as well be me speaking. When I speak it might as well be him speaking. We both understand and share each others passions and love of life. We both laugh and cry at the same things. In the last week I have felt more complete in his presence than I have felt with anyone – ever.

If I was asked for my definition of a soul mate it would be him.

From day one I felt as though I had met the person I’ve been looking for most of my life. Within a week we had shared things that mean so much to me, done things that mean so much to me, and talked about things that I thought only possible with someone I might have known for much longer. In his presence time seemed to stand still and the world went away. There was only me and him. My mind and my heart have not felt so poised and in the moment for a long time; a state of mind and being I have only attained through meditation before. I felt refreshed and I still do.

In short, I have stars in my eyes, I’m completely bowled over and I’m reeling. Since he went home all I want is to see him and touch him and hear him.

The words we write to each other and the phone calls we make contain a yearning I can hear and feel both ways. Don’t ask me how I know but I know he feels the same. I could answer that question if I explored it more but I’m not going to now.

For now I just needed to write and now that I have written I am going to bed. I will address the title of this post at a later date.